Have you ever been in a check out line, in one of the big box supercenters, behind someone who has 40 items in the 20 or less line, and while standing there with plenty of time, you began to browse through the tabloid papers that are so popular in those places? I have. Have you ever wondered who wrote all those stories about Rat Boy, the End of the World, New Commandants found, Bigfoot Living in a Cleveland Suburb, and politicians who had babies with aliens? I have. In fact, I often start conversations with strangers, showing them the headline and telling them to beware because this looks really serious to me. For a long time now I have thought I could write  stories like those, so I decided to give it a shot. Well, here they are. So, hold on to your hat, do a quick reality check, and prepare yourself to be stunned by revelations that you would never think could happen.

Cottondale is an imaginary town in Tennessee that I invented as the home of my favorite redneck, Billy Joe White. Billy Joe lives there with his family and a handful of friends and relatives. It is also the Earthly base for JorG, the little alien from Stubia that has come to know and love Billy Joe. Cottondale seems to be the perfect setting for my tabloid stories, and they begin just after Redneck Riveria, and just before JorG brought Billy Joe the NASCAR racecar in Talledega Twostep. I expect there will be many more of these reports in the future, because they certainly are some of the strangest news stories that you have never read.

MORE NEWS THAT IS
BREAKING EVEN LATER
THAN THE OTHER BREAKING NEWS WAS BREAKING


FERRET CHARGED IN SHOOTING


In an exclusive report to the Daily News, we have learned that Nancybelle, a year and a half old pet ferret, was charged yesterday in the shooting death of Cottondale resident Red Warren. Sheriff's deputy Wyatt Springer investigated the crime scene and pronounced Red dead, and as Nancybelle was the only living creature in the house, he has concluded that Red's death is a clear cut case of ferretacide. The murder weapon, a .357 magnum handgun with a six inch barrel, was found inside the ferret's cage, partially covered by a blanket and two chew toys. One shell had been fired, and there were traces of gunpowder on Nancybelle's right front foot.

Up until now the only local cases similar to this was when a Cottondale man was hit with a paint ball shot from a small cannon that Mack Freeman had left over from Vietnam. The paintballers were playing in Freeman's back yard when Mack suddenly had a flash back and began blasting with his cannon. No one was killed, but eight pick up trucks in the neighborhood had to be repainted. Nancybelle is believed to have been behind this incident also, even though Freeman had no proof.

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